Fragmented Hope

 Sometimes we simply overdose on fragmented hope.

Because we try to forget on the bottled antidotes we found in the sentimental value of other people.

Lately I've been struggling to see again where I belong, it happens to me every three years and I realised I have to accept it - my DNA of not belonging.

We live in a society where positivity is king and we forget to allow ourselves to be sad when it's the case, to heal when we have to and rush to be judgmental on another's negativity while struggling.

I'm simply saying - we are better together - better when we support each other and embrace our flaws and strengths and project whatever good exists in us onto others.

Learn, but learning doesn't mean studying every day of your existence, it might simply mean enjoy the sun, that walk, the smile of your best friend or simply listening to music.

Not everyone has a heart like yours and that's fine - learn how to detach yourself once you are ready - bring abundance into your life - your love - your laughter and soon you will find that person you will forever love - YOU.

Painting by: J.W.Turner

Narcissism and breadcrumbs

 

For those that are or have been with a narcissistic partner - the patterns of their love stories go in general terribly wrong.

I've somehow through my emotional trajectory managed to attract them and live with them and mould my heart around their sandy & icy clouds. I've heard their golden stories and seen the empires they claimed - it's a game, it's a play throughout their entire lives.

I've learnt you can not experience true love with one but breadcrumbs of feelings / emotions / facts - it's never the entire loaf - it's breadcrumbs of love and imagination to keep you locked on the position - a loner in a relationship in the Kingdom of You Will Never Really Know.

It all starts enchanting and then transforms into a dungeon, from the heat of love and happiness to the burn of lies, deceit and pain.

It all starts with a beautiful mirror, that attracts in the background of your portrait butterflies and Edenic plants to an ice cold portrait of criticism. 
Unfortunately the narcissism that you share you life with lives a tragic and distructive life, carefully disguised with lies and the image of the false Self.
This false Self, knows it all, loves anger and inflicting pain onto others.

If you're battling such relationships and live & love in terror please know you are not alone. 

While trying to balance the tight rope of a fake reality and a fake self they keep throwing arrows at those who are competition or refuse to idealise them.
It's abusive, it's painful and you might get lost along the way in the charismatic persona of your unpredictable partner.
He's forever innocent and guilt seems to somehow not match his vocabulary In any way, as if he purchased his words from the most noble markets of words.

These over the counter toxic words will create a nest where you're invited to stay, you're the antidote that needs to be loved and tortured and act like a source of energy.
Disagreements are not options - the goal is to obliterate the target.

Please know one thing loving yourself is the first step from healing from a narcissistic lover. Chose yourself. Chose the truth.

Awake your inner hero

Welcome to the sanctuary.

My name is Liz and I’m here to guide you on opening all the doors that lead to your inner soul. It may not be a place that you know and it’s fine to feel lost at first, but we’ve got tea and poetry - psychology and a lot of soul.

There are many times in life that you may have been asked to fit in a box and be the good woman or the good man. Do the things to make your family & loved ones proud, do something that’s in the eyes of society that’s seen as giving a sense of achievement.

In my eyes, in my world that shines so bright you are not made to fit in a box. There’s no such thing as a standard mind - a standard type of loving yourself and others - there’s no such thing as fitting.
As bruised and confused as you might be I have to tell you this - you are a work of art. And your mind is rainbow - every single day.

But most importantly - I’m here to help you find your inner super-hero. Whether it’s mythical - from Ares to Poseidon, Afrodites to Hera - to your day to day movie heroes, whether you find yourself in Game of Thrones or in Joker. 

Your vulnerability is a sign of strength. Your pain - your constant changes and your ways of building yourself back up - piece by piece.

I’m here to tell you to break the chains of the foreboding joy like therapist Brene Brown so easily calls it. You’ve ever felt that joy of living life that’s so beautiful and raw and your health swells with passion, warmth and joy? Well, add foreboding, that element in your own soul that at the same times fears and is apprehensive about experiencing this.

I’m here to tell you that you’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg when It comes to your soul. We’ll speak about connection - about nature - about art and how every single moment is about loving and discovering yourself. Deeper and keeping that superhero within alive and building his powers day to day.

Life isn’t about playing it safe. It’s about coming out as a lotus from the mud. So make a risk - whethever it is emotional - whether it’s a connection - or battling anxiety, depression and many other monsters.

Take the risk and let the superhero find joy - stop overriding life.

Your sanctuary won’t be in the realm of folding laundry, checking your phone for the very same pieces of nothing and sitting in traffic getting angry.
We’ll be taking your through meadows - on a spiritual walk and a mental dive - colouring the surroundings from within us.

- Welcome to your super-hero practice -
- Starting August 1st

The story of the soft Casper

When you wait

When you hide

That’s when we collide

On hold

In between empty spaces

In between 2 technicolor beats

Young hearts

Things that don’t make sense

People on different orbits

Runners on different tracks

There’s a storm inside of you

It will never reveal

There’s no moon, no time

Just another naked morning

A soft Casper

Pulverising minutes into stardust

We strangely match

Yet we strangely don’t exist

The answers don’t come when it’s busy

The answers come in the silence

And in the still

There’s more to find

And I’ve got so much more

For your mind to refill

But i’m merely an almost

Evaporating

While

You’re looking

For

The 

Feel

Shallows

Suffer for me in gold

He said

Now you live in another man's eyes

In between

A love song
A novel
And a lullaby

Surrender

Get lost on clouds
Empty streets

These stars 
They spit light towards your butterfly heart
The moon
Is covering itself with the clouds from your mind

Forgetful, forgetful
We're so alike

You have hidden shallows
But so do I
Let's drift away

You smell like a wolf's midnight
You taste like miracles 
And old jars of sunshine

Last day of the year

Emotion
Must be
A stringless kite

As it should be
Forever free
And slightly mad

It's been a cruel year
And now I only long for
The wild sea

A sea that cuts fogs
And sadness

A sea named after everything
And anything
That connects us

I'm packing the winter
And bringing you June
Unlike our October

Slightly more real
And less tragic

Whispering to your playlist
I take your hand
One last day of crossing waters

28 days
Until my skin
Will burn brightly
Pigments of thunder
Onto yours.

Exit signs

But darling my life is full of exit signs

I wish I could wrap you up in dreams and sweater lines
But I have no words left to say
I am still tangled up in the songs of yesterday

I forgot how to laugh
And disaster is slipping from the left side of your cheek
It's only those that don't fall in love
That dance with a monstrous passion

Well I'm sorry but emotion went out of fashion

I got you a permit
To enter the frontier of nowhere
Oh how can I not adore
Your shadow, your absence

Yet somehow

Hope is opening doorways and roadways.

Coffee and cherry blossom

Morning has come and I have to go.

As I am sipping on the last drops of gin, your words come out like rust and gold filling me up with hope.

Can you not leave a little bit later?

I'm afraid not.

I've seen more goodbyes then hello but all of these have been more reasons to live for, more reason to see life beyond...beyond this musical abyss there are still so many undulating lights calling our name.

I've been threading never ending stories and I attached a couple of joyful tears onto your hug.

The way people look like when they say goodbye is the same as the look of the sailor knowing his ship will sink yet he stays there singing his last ode.

And now, can you tell me where do the lonely songs go? Onto the Island? But we are all islands, waiting to get discovered, waiting to find another reason to bloom, waiting for someone to transform us into a never ending blossoming spring.





It's not him
I am my only limit
Where I end
Is where I begin
I am limitless
Yet I limit myself
Like a white coffee
I want to live in the limit of your skin
I close my eyes
And hide between our dream
For a moment I am there
Blossoming
Mesmerised by your beam.

Places/ Lions

There are lions under your skin
Like envelopes sent to rooftops
Without an address
I melt with you
I am a wanderer
Towards nowhere

We met
Two strangers in the darkness
Closing my eyes
Under the eclipse of madness
Like sirens calling sailors
And bringing them to perish
You brought me back to myself

I won't explain to you
I won't even try to find you
For those that love in the darkness
In the light they only find solitude.

Until we met again
I'll sing of all of the places
Where we will go
I'll sing of our skies
And the ones that we will know.

Farewell for now
As I am dancing on your train
Waiting carefully
On the left side of your life
You'll find on the seat 3B
Between an A minor
And a B sharp
Mirroring the melodious and the dark.

Light

Lights everywhere

Yet not in mind

I reach for your shadow

It's so far behind

We're bounded by madness

And two single words

Similar to the moon

But shaped like miracles and doves

I search for your thoughts

To wrap them in gold

But you are too far

Estranged yet not cold

You dive into my arms

When I don't exist

Who was it first

Love

Or

The

Abyss

About today

Ti-am spus de azi am sa imi sterg cosmarurile pe cearceafurile tale. Am sa le molipsesc de monstrii si tipete si delir.

Am sa ma dezlipesc de fiecare absenta a ta si o voi lipi strategic pe coltul din stanga patului tau.

Am sa uit cana de cafea undeva intre ura si dezindragostire.

Traiesc intr-o duna de nisip emotionala, incat orice sau oricine isi doreste sa ma atinga cu un gram sau doua de emotie, se murdareste si stie, nu exista loc de inceput, noi cei stransi de delir si pedepse nu plecam prea departe de dunele noastre.

Precum niste salbatici stam si ne uitam unul la altul lung. Apoi uitam sa cantam pentru ca oamenii nu vor sa auda.

Apoi refuzam sa vorbim pentru ca totul e deja prea confuz.

Apoi ne stergem de litere pe tot corpul cu nevrozele celuilalt.

Te rog, doar astazi, inchide ochii. Esti aici.

Suntem parte dintr-o margine de realitate.

Un pic mai rece.

Nimic.

Hai sa ne ghemuim in noptile altor oameni.

Hai sa crestem intr-o neputinta mai galbena,

Gand anemic si prea plecat.

Cover my heart

Cover it all

With pieces of glass and of darkness,

Don't call me back

Whisper love, undead, whisper it's silence.

Of arms, waves and bounds

I still sleep with books in my bed. It's somehow comforting knowing you wake up and the pages will be just as wasted as your dreams.


With every breath you get trapped in the monstrosity of the sea, how terribly sad as you will never know how to sail and the winds will never be enough. It's the same wickedness as of the one of the creature you shall never fully understand, yourself.

She wears black and has a terrible passion for poison. Of the musical sort. Not true yet not false. A bit too high pitch at moments and completely incomprehensible.

He cares not to listen. He assumed that just like the others she was a siren. She's terribly alone even when surrounded by people.

She listens to sounds that bother them and music is her air. Every shape and form...is music.

She allows herself to be trapped in the abyss of strangers...oh and then the solitude shapes into an even more solemn melancholy.

Dear Hilde, there's a bit of death in tonight's sunrise, and yet there is no shadow on that poor swan's wings.

My beloved without a name you strike me as remarkable, your laughter is in the air like dark circles. You're real just as much as you are myth, you are love just as much you are forgetfulness.

But then that is yet another story to be told, and tonight there's only time for tea, and doubts and this woman's crumb of life.

Gently forward and boundless...Sail away. The last miracle is upon those waves, and we shall not see them, yet we shall turn into waves ourselves...claiming salvation from the infinite. Two strangers mirroring their finitude in the darkness.

Cain

N-am scris nimic. Dar daca as scrie as scrie o singura carte cu o singura foaie. As da-o umanitatii si tie.
Lumea dureaza putin mai mult din cauza ta.

Cantatul m-a salvat azi ca de fiecare data. Am alergat bezmetic la acelasi copac care imi soptea ca probabil daca voi canta la apus de soare, dupa cantatul unei pasari care viseaza la fel de mult ca mine ceva bun se va intampla la capatul lumii.

Ce se intampla cu tine? De ce efectul tau asupra mediului meu e ambiguu?
De ce cazi?
De ce clipesti si ametesti cand mergi pe mijlocul versului meu?

Drumul.
Drumul il pierdem de fiecare data.
Continutul.
Il scriem de fiecare data pe urmele prietenilor nostri.
Versul.
Il lipesc pe obrazul tau in fiecare noapte.
Visul.
Ia-l in brate pana cand revine realitate.

Dansezi pentru ca pur si simplu nu poti opri
Incerci sa traduci lipsa unui a fi
Pentru ca nu apartii
Si niciodata nu vei putea
De fiecare data
A vrea inseamna
A nu avea
A renunta
A nemuri

In my attempt of translating all of those wishes you surrounded me with hope, you embraced me and it seemed all well. Unfortunately I just can not take, this is more than a burn, darling your mind is like a storm and I can't, I just can not step into it every single time. You've thrown this storm out of fear, wanting  not to escape, I'll give you my thoughts, close your eyes darling, you're my favourite goodbye. It's always too late and all you want to be is Cain and all you keep on killing is the better self, today and everyday.

Abyssal

Nobody knows the last time that we meet each other. We love the darkness because we are both made from it. Hands of shadows, dusty feet, teeth of echoes, smiles of whispers and eyes of menace.

Trust me, but I can't trust you know
Release me, oh my but I love getting caught
In your shapeless laughter
In your hourglass of my naive happy never after.

Reach for me,
I will bleed for you in angel colours
Trap me,
Try to conceal me like a dove's last flight
Discover me,
Like I am a ruin of what you loved the most.

Let's last,
Let's dive into a poem that we will never write
Fight battles,
As we will always seek the light,
Bleed like me,
As you could never love
A darkness like yours,
My all, my nevermore.

It is a tragedy,
For us to belong, as belonging becomes together
Let's separate,
Bitterless lust, abyssal forever

Of sins, love and charm

If you could see what I have seen you wouldn't dare to look at me the way you look now. I've been through all of the bleak corners of your mind and discovered myself amongst your thousand other women. Other faces in familiar places that you try to destroy with a bohemian smile.

My feet are bruised from running through your narrow streets. Test after test, blink after blink you treat me like a drop in the ocean. I run through your hands like grains of sand that look to return to the desert. But for me you, you are like water. 

All of the men I've come across have been like water. Passing through my hands, ephemeral, cold yet in need to consume it and you desire it not out of lust but out of need. Water gave me the opportunity to cover temporarily, ecstasy and bliss, escaping and dominating. What do you do? Where do you go when his frail mind becomes the sea? Oh my dear water why did you say: I’ve always been one to feel contrite Is it too late now to make things right?

Who are you I ask? Each and every single time. The answer never comes and I am always confronted with the echo of my own voice. Where's your echo? Where's your shadow? I am still waiting for the backdrop. No, no, it's completely wrong. This parade that you put for all of the fools would work sometimes for those that believed in a love that is complete and mysterious and dissolves onto a cascade of miracles. 


I need shadows, echoes, shame, darkness and an incomplete dandy. Put it all together and I shall bring you boxes with paint, drama and maybe a bit of fear. 

Darling, no map can direct how to ever make it home. Therefore let's escape today. To your favourite nowhere, just climb onto my ghostly staircase and let's balance on these pieces of wood like they're wonders.

About falling:

Darling do you like falling?
I've bruised my name on the edge of your palms
You said you would do no harm

My love do you like running?
It is the chase I have longed for
But then you run from all the letters
When I say
Do not leave, love me a little less
Dream of me a little more.

Sleep well my number three disaster
Straight into the black hole
That our minds 
Desired 
Paint me a canvas 
Shaped like a  polka dot laughter.

To care is to endure

While everybody is busy on focusing on their own things I am busy on knitting hope strings.
Getting attached and then cutting lose and letting go.

Standing alone on this side lone, traveling to nowhere, to where your hands are warm and your heart is hot but black like burning coal.
There's no station when you become a train, racing through the life of others and your own.

Abandon yourself to me, abandon grace and loneliness and hold me once and for all.
I have died in your arms many times, I have lived in your memory for decades but now I dissolve myself not into the past but into the future.

Farewell my lover, farewell ruler of the lights
This time our songs end
No rewind, no pause, no breaks
Just present tense
A lullaby as warm as a mother's embrace
Remember me
Because now my love will have no face
Trace
Whatever is left of a heart as genuine as the sky
Farewell my love
This is an ode to goodbye
This night I saw a shadow
He whispered as I left
What can not be cured
By your eyes
It shall be endured.

Open Geometric Structure

Everything constructed strictly by humans lacks humanity.

The paradox of loving and the noble art of letting go.

The Goddess of being and the God without a name.

You try to hold on to new things, new hands, get attached, run away, write poetry, sing new songs, search for past lovers under new blankets, translate manuscripts of the who knows what abstract artist that nobody heard of.

Search for meaning inside of yourself when you my love, my life are just an empty shell.
He told me: you are a beautiful art instalation in this wasteland, and what I can offer is mainly a shadow of who I am.
But darling we're both hung on string,
Of everything
Of everyone,
You were my autumn,
You were my spring,
You became the end where I begin.

So hold me tightly and then let go, it's you that I love and it's you I don't know.
While you are asking for infinite
I merely want what is an end
I don't wish for the abyss
I can not pretend
I want to stop
And offer you
A jungle of dreams
That will never come true.

I can only fly
If I live inside of you,
My quiet rectangle
With dark brush strokes
My
accidental love
On the wrong angle.

Sketches of you

You are the sketch that I have been exploring continuously since I meet you.
Unexplored pastels, unexplored dimensions of black and white.

I've told you ever since I meet you. I love those edges of yours, those violent strokes, those unfinished lines.
I feel in love with the sketch of you, because if you were complete I couldn't add fractures of me.
The beautiful thing is that we don't need to blend in, we'll stay incomplete and we'll face the world together whatever that may be.

The autumn of your leaving is permanent.
You're always absent in this sketch and I am permanently looking everywhere for those abstract strokes of you.
Staring longly and hoping that I'll find you at the corner of the street.
With a limping heart and a narrow view that contains a bruised emotional connection.
Meeting on streets that we didn't plan, getting in debt for borrowing the sky's drawer of colours.

Cover your mind with polka dots and let's escape.
But you are just like me.
A sketch and you won't leave your paper to blend in on mine.
It's paper and strings and pins that separate us.

Until one day your sketch will melt like an ice cube being dragged around in the sun.
In your last moments of consciousness you will see how the sketch of me got so monochrome.
It missed you ...
I lost you in the artificial and selfishness of becoming a piece of architecture.

It's pieces of you I could not catch.
As pieces of me they didn't match.

Naive-The Ghoul and The Glass

Trying to understand.
Why so many time those soulless ghosts seem a lot more fitted to contain a fully functional heart.
It's similar to the relationship between an empath and a narcissist . Obviously the empath in his naivety will try to fix the narcissist, but all he will do is to become a sponge that will swallow all of the negativity and willing imperfections.

If you were a ghoul from the start I probably dropped my expectations on your canvas of wine, and confused you for divine instead of just fine.
It was nothingness you offered wanting to express more and offer less.
Your name didn't open up any gates, not even the ones of memory it was just a weak attempt at a temporary love.
A love ephemeral like a headless beast that feeds on hidden desires, on what is dark, on what is bleak, on the things that we said to each other when we did not speak.

Casually you left, like before, you left your wine on the table and my heart in a heart shaped glass right on the edge.
Oh how I wish it would have broke, on the last minute that we spoke.
But the glass broke somehow inside of me, inside of that unparalleled universe where you took me.
The glass broke inside my escape and inside our moment, shame but I don't want to recreate you.
Not even fragments of you.

And so she left. His doll of glass with eyes of wine as her compass.

Rataciri

Iubitului meu de niciodata,

Si daca tot ratacesc as vrea sa ratacesc cu tine.
Sa ne pierdem prin fiecare colt de nicaieri, sa ne trezim la fel de ametiti si la fel de indragostiti de iluzia asta. Sa te impiedici de fiecare treapta dar cumva sa stii ca singurul lucrul care va durea va fi faptul ca mi-ai dat drumul la mana.
Sa ma saruti pe tample de fiecare data cand simti nevoia sa ma protejezi.
Sa ma imbratisezi la capatul lumii de parca noi am fi creatorii inceputului.
Sa iti doresti ca norii sa acopere soarele indelung incat sa nu mai apara razele plecarii mele.
Sa iti iei ramas bun de la o iubire mica pastrata de oameni mari.
Sa iti fiu tie elan azi si pentru totdeauna.